Back in the Land of Liquid Sunshine:)

I have lately been a bad blogger, I will be the first to admit it. There are few reasons for this. One, blogging can be bullshit. I can write to my friends and family and keep them posted on the adventures of my travels, but the really juicy stuff will never be written on my blog because so many strangers have access to my blog and I would never publicly post this stuff for the public to read. Why? Because some things are better kept private. Two, I have journalled for most of my life, but the most intimate feelings and emotions that are tied with good journalling will never get full effect in a blog without exposing your innermost feelings...again I would not do this in a public forum unless it was something I was willing to share with everyone. Most things I am not willing to do this with. That said, it is fun to share the experience of travelling to a new country and the idiosyncricies that go with that in a forum that can be accessable to the public as well...as long as it is in edited version with tact and respect to not offend the people involved or expose situations which could be sensitive or harmful to those involved.

All that said, here is what has been going on with me. I am back in the land of the liquid sunshine, formally known as Dublin, Ireland. I say that because apparently this has been the worst weather seen here in 50 something odd years. It rained for 40 days and 40 nights when Noah built his ark...Ireland has seen more consecutive days of rain than that and this is supposed to be summer. Maybe the world is trying to tell us something and we are just not paying attention...hmmmm...there's a thought.

The liquid sunshine of Ireland has made people here very bitter. It is the worst case of SADS that I have ever in my life witnessed. Granted I lived a very LUCKY life to be raised in sunny California where SADS was something I read about in my college psych books but had no true concept of what that meant, but the reality is that SADS does exist, in states such as Washington and countries such as Canada, Ireland, etc. where people experience long lengths of darkness creating a lack of Vitamin D from the sun and has proven itself to be taking its toll on a good majority of the population here.

This has only had relevance in my life because of the extreme resentment received from a select few of those around me (to remain nameless) who have made it very apparent when I returned that they are very pissed off that I was in LA during this miserable weather, completely ignoring and dismissing the fact that I was extremely ill, could have died from the misdiagnoses I received while trying to get medical care here and required extensive medical treatment to diagnose and resolve my medical issues in LA, not to mention the extreme amounts of debt accumulated to get proper medical care. And the only thing I can really equate that to is that they are jealous that I was in LA where it was SUNNY and not in Dublin where it was RAINING. Seriously??? Are you kidding me? Who does that? I have found this behavior and attitude to be selfish, childish and honestly shows the lack of content in those people's character but all that said, the most interesting thing about being back in Ireland is that I really haven't cared.

It hasn't bothered me for one second that it has been raining here. It hasn't bothered me that there are some people who are ignorant here. It hasn't bothered me to not be in LA, which everyone knows I consider home. So the big news is that I am actually happy to be back. I am grateful to have found such a great doctor in LA who finally found out what was actually wrong and put me back on the path to recovery. I am grateful that they caught the infections and treated them before it was too late. I am grateful that I was able to do so with the support of my friends and family. I am grateful that there were people in my life who stepped up to the plate and truly helped me during the biggest time of need I have ever had. I am grateful that the people who were in my life who were not willing to step up to the plate when I needed them made themselves apparent as well and dismissed themselves.

My perspective has truly changed on so many things that it is amazing. I think that I was actually sick for much longer than it took to become hospitalized. I think that my body was fighting illness for at least 3 or 4 months before it got to the point that my immune system was no longer fighting back and the infection completely took over. I think that being sick for so long and fighting that infection really affected my mood, my behavior and my attitude in a negative way. I feel aweful that this had a detrimental effect on some of my relationships and that people had to be patient with me when I was feeling "off" and "irritable" and had no idea why. I am so grateful that I have enough good people in my life that they were willing to help me through and hold my hand through it when to be honest there were times that I was frankly miserable to be around.

I am still on medication to treat the infections. I still have days of intense pain. I try not to let it show, because I am sure that everyone is as SICK of hearing about it as I am sick of feeling it and sick of talking about it too. But I also have some days with little pain and because my health has improved so has my attitude and my perpective. I can no longer allow circumstances and events surrounding me to have such an effect on me as they once did because it actually effects me physically. I have no choice but to be less sensitive to others and to only allow people and situations in my life that are positive and encouraging. The negative energy that gossip and negative behavior can create can actually create ulcers or make them worse so I have no choice but to change the energy around me and in me if I want to heal and get better.

That said, because the medicines and the mandatory changes to my diet(no spicy food, no acidic food etc. etc.) have already started working, I am feeling more energized than I have been in months. Mentally at least. I am still sleeping alot, almost 12 hours a day, but I know that very soon, I will physically catch up with myself and be able to have longer days of productivity. For now, I am happy if I can make it to work for an entire day before crashing in the evening early. I am hoping by next week to have enough energy to make it back to the gym. I have a list of goals that I want to start crossing of the checklist one by one and have slowly started to work on those as well. And slowly but surely, the sun is actually coming out of hiding, even if does still have moments of liquid mixed in.